What NOT to Say to Your Grown-Ass Friends Who are Housing Insecure
By carla joy bergman & Dani Burlison
“Hoarding Equals Poverty
Giving Equals wealth”
— Ursula Le Guin, Always Coming Home
The US Empire is collapsing in real time and it’s happening at warp speed, and it’s violent and bloody overwhelming. There are specific individuals who have their fascist hands on the levers of this multileveled destruction, so y'know, at the very least there’s concrete targets. While this nightmare continues to unfold before our hearts and eyes here, the rest of the world is also in chaos, dealing with their own fascist leaders, ongoing wars, and the destruction is everywhere you look.These chaotic wreckages are affecting each of us unevenly, and acknowledging that doesn’t really get to the nuance of how it is unfolding day-by-day (or hour by hour) for folks—systemically, collectively or individually– shit is next level hard! It’s a lot to take in and respond to, but luckily so many folks are responding with a fierce resolve to stop the onslaught of disaster and crises locally and across distances — solidarity is mobilizing as we write this essay…
But for this piece we are zooming in on housing (although it's all connected under the fuckery of empire). A no less sinister longer-run fuckery against our communities is one of displacement. Even if folks can stay in the cities and towns where they live, more and more people are continuing to deal with housing precarity, and eventually becoming unhoused (feel free to research the details—no city or town is immune to this violence). Because both of us have been navigating intense housing insecurity since the pandemic began and we’ve recently had to leave our beloved neighborhoods and communities behind as we deal with real housing precarity, we have some thoughts to share.
We are each located across racist-colonial borders from each other, but both of us come from the West Coast of Turtle Island, where a kind of predatory gentrification meets apathy from too many community members who increasingly look out only for themselves as all of our futures become uncertain. These disaster times indeed deepen a lack of capacity for showing up from many community members, and reasons are manifold to be sure. For one, most of the community carla was part of had left years ago as affordable housing became more of an urban myth due to entire neighbourhoods being scooped up by predatory developers and turned into overpriced condos for profit. And on the climate front: fires have chewed up much of the already sparse housing available in California, for example, and many people with means continue to buy up affordable housing and become landlords (often charging much more than long term community members can afford) in order to step out of the job market in favor of this passive income (*passive for whom? Definitely not for the tenants working multiple jobs to stay afloat).
Of course none of these kinds of hoarding and profiteering of real-estate is recent, and over the years, both of us have worked with community to rethink, reimagine, and to recreate how we share our resources in more equitable and justice-centered ways, and housing, land, and class issues have been at the center of this work. However, most of the efforts and scaffolding of these dreams and plans have fallen to the wayside in these hyper-hoarding-times, all amidists the accelerated fires and other climate disasters hitting so many places. For me (carla) with some friends, we went so far as to create the actual tools for homeowners to engage in concrete solidarity, a kind of action that brings dignity to everyone involved, including for the homeowners and in some cases, how to give land back! (check out: (Solidarity Housing). But it too hasn’t been successful, at least not in any direct ways. These failures to change what housing and the land can be are mostly due to our collective capacities constantly being thwarted alongside the multifaceted tangled up onslaught of capitalism, hyper-individualism (fascism!), ongoing colonialism, developers profiteering, and climate chaos.
As we navigate our own very personal, stressful, and unpredictable housing issues, we got to talking about the ways some folks in our lives have really shown up for us in beautiful concrete ways. We’ve also shared the not-great things our housed friends say to us that are not helpful; many feel like a gut punch. Some have led us (at least me, Dani) to reevaluate friendships and levels of trust in community. So we laugh-cried through many a conversation and decided to compile this hopefully helpful list for when your comrades tell you they are losing and/or searching for housing.
Also, just a quick side note: what we also really want to convey is, that hoarding housing and land especially to profit off of, is a crime and it's ongoing colonialism. Besides, profiteering off of basic needs of others is violent, and an act of poverty in and of itself — because this is the behavior of an impoverished class that steals from the dignity and survival of the many! We know that this is not always the case and yes, #NotAllLandlords because some folks who own homes or land do use their wealth and resources to shelter and share in beautiful, dignified ways. And still, it mostly sucks, we remain in these larger struggles. But for now we are sharing our unsolicited advice armed with fierce love. And if you see yourself in any of these examples, well, same here! Making mistakes is part of how we show up for each other in the beautiful ecology of making worlds. So, brush it off, and keep trying.
What NOT to Say to Your Grown-Ass Friends Who are Housing Insecure:
You know, it is hard for homeowners, too. Try building community when all of our neighbors are renters and have to keep moving because their rents keep going up.
How nice to not be tied down to a mortgage or rent! You’ll have so much more money for other things!
How cool that you have so much freedom to travel now.
My friend has a room for rent for only like $8 million. And there’s only five other people living there.
Beggars can’t be choosers! You should just take what you can get.
Landlords are having a hard time right now, too. Imagine how challenging it is to get people to pay market rent! Imagine how much it costs to make repairs to their rental properties!
I have this rental property my family helped me buy and I know I charge way more than my mortgage and way more than you can afford BUT, I wanted to let you know it will be available soon and I’m only increasing the rent by a couple hundred dollars. What do you say?
Why don’t you just buy a house? Can’t your parents help you?
Can’t you move in with that person you’ve only been dating a couple of months?
This is why you have to start saving for your house when you are young!
How exciting for you to get to couch surf indefinitely. It’s like reliving your youth again!
I have so much guilt hearing about this because of my solid housing …can we talk about something else?
Can you use your savings to rent an Airbnb longer term?
You can’t move away from here! You have to make it work (even if you totally cannot afford it) because it will be too hard for you to start over and make friends in a new community at your age.
Won’t you miss your friends if you leave the area?
You must have some assets? Can you cash them in and buy a condo?
Well, at least there are so many rentals to choose from!
Do you know about food stamps?
Sorry you had to get rid of so many things when you lost your housing. But they are just possessions and you can always buy new stuff again.
You should just get a better job so you can afford it here.
Everyone is housing insecure if you really think about it.
Landlords have the right to charge as much as they want.
Well, it's not just you! Even though I have stable housing right now my landlords might decide to sell at some point in the future and I’ll be in the same position so my life isn’t great either so let me make your housing insecurity about me instead of being supportive or helpful!
Well, this is what happens when you make bad decisions!
You’ve been so distant… why aren’t you reaching out more?
You all can stay with me and share the rent, but if the landlord comes over your kid has to hide.
I’ve always wanted to be free of a home and all the baggage that comes with it, you know, live out that dream of being a bit of a bohemian where the only baggage is my backpack! — Anyway, are you having so much fun?
AND THERE ARE SO MANY MORE!
The truth is, it is really, really hard to talk to folks about losing your housing and the fear that comes with not knowing when or if you’ll land somewhere safe and affordable. It is hard to be disconnected from old neighbors, including the trees and friends and walking passion paths and proximity to services and the familiarity of the creaks in the floorboards and bird chirps and sunlight through certain windows of a beloved home that you’ve nested in. It is hard to have your beloved comforts (tea mugs, books, throw blankets, jars of herbs, altars, favorite incense, etc) all packed up in a too-small storage unit. It is so hard to stick with a routine and stay grounded; living out of suitcases isn’t fun. Especially for folks with chronic illnesses, like both of us. For me (Dani), I had to move my elder cats from California to live with my daughter in New York and it was gut wrenching. Displacement has layers. And none of them feel good.
It is also hard to ever really feel settled while staying with folks temporarily; it can bring up anxiety about overstaying your welcome, about being in the way or being needy and a burden (even though, for fucks sake, both of us have and would offer the homes we used to have to anyone in our community with zero issue), about being grown-ass adults without stable housing. It is complicated to be hyper independent one day and then completely reliant on community for a place to sleep the next. It is hard to be away from the people and places and a bathtub you love, to have your own space to blast music and lounge in your underwear while watching your favorite, embarrassing trash TV show. It’s even harder when you get sick while away from the comforts of your own space, and then add being an awkward neurodifferent introvert to the mix and well… housing insecurity is brutal for mental health. Neither of us are at our best.
So here are some tips on what you CAN do to actually help, and hey you get to enact and incite solidarity in your communities! FUN! Win-Win!
If you are a landlord:
- Ask yourself: WHY AM I A LANDLORD? Why did I buy these extra homes? Seriously, You need to do some SOUL SEARCHING.
- Ask yourself: Do I really need to charge this much rent? Can I be flexible for, say, a single parent? A person with a disability? Or even for a few or several months while this person gets on their feet? (this is happening for one of us and it’s amazing!)
- Most donations to housing organizations get gobbled up by admin/salaries. Instead of sending $100-200 or more per month to a big “charity,” just lower your tenant’s rent!
- Take Housing subsidies. Seriously. Any landlord in the U.S. can take a Section 8 voucher. It is guaranteed rent (at least part of it) on the first of each month. Side note: As a single mom, I (Dani) had a Section 8 voucher for a number of years. I remember looking at a rental and the landlord saying (before I told her I had a voucher) that she’d never rent to “Those People with Section 8” because they’d “let their crackhead friends move in and trash the house.” I hexed her so hard.
- Engage in models of sharing equity – look up land trusts and ways to go in on community-own homes.
- Consider giving your land back to Indigenous people
If you are Family/Friend/acquaintance–especially one with housing (and space)–say/do these types of things:
- You can stay with me/us for as long as you need to.
- You can stay rent-free so you can get back on your feet.
- Can you afford to just pay the amount of my mortgage for [a set amount of time] until you get stabilized? What would be best for you?
- Ask your home-searching friend what their budget is. DO NOT send them any ole rental you see before you know what they can afford.
- Use your connections! We all know landlords (shudder) and can ask them if they can be flexible with rent. Recommend your housing insecure pals, etc.
- Do research for affordable and stable housing. Because looking at listings can feel triggering and often near impossible when you are unhoused or temporarily unhoused.
- If you have good credit, offer to co-sign the lease of a rental.
- Offer to be a reference.
- Also: If you’re letting a housing insecure friend stay with you, don’t make them feel bad about it. They already feel bad enough. Communicate your needs clearly and maybe ensure they have a little space for their things, and offer them regular privacy for work, rest, etc.
If you are unable to offer anything concrete, that’s super OK, we get it: shit is fucking hard. But part of being in community is being there for each other. That all said, just listen and hold some space for our worries. It is a great way to show up and help us think our way back to finding a sense of security. Ask for what your housing insecure loved ones need. Offer meals or phone calls or memes (ALWAYS with the memes, please). Help them move. Store some of their things (thank you, California friends for fostering 800 houseplants for Dani, and same goes for all the friends who care and foster the Bergman plant-friends!). Invite them to your house for a long hot bath. Advocate for affordable housing.
Also: Practice #ShameEquity when landlords mention the killing they’re making off of their tenants; Folks with housing insecurity shouldn’t be the ones carrying shame along with all of the fear and worries on our backs, greedy landlords should. Fight for fair and accessible housing, even (and especially) if you have a safe, affordable, comfortable home. Home might be where the heart is for many, but we can both confirm that while that’s a beautiful sentiment, it doesn't hold up in the material world — especially when you don't have a literal roof over your head.
Let’s keep working for a better world for all. And let us know if you hear of any rentals we can afford.
